I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
