Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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