haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
