Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
