Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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