I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
