Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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