Don't you send me to vm
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
