i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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