just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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