shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
