Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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