I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
