Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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