Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
