After last night, I could never be a politician.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
