im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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