he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
