Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
