Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
