1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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