he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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