When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
