areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
did i just pee glitter
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
