Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize