There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
