When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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