I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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