He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
