Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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