her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
