bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
