Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
