I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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