Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
