Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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