Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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