Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
