His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
