biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We just shotgunned beers for America
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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