So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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