This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
