Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
