the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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