My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
