Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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