Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
