So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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