I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
