I think my fart just growled at me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
