Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
