stop calling my apartment porn island.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
