Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
