When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
