Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
