seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
