im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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