I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
