Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize