I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
