ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm so fucking centered right now
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
