cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize